Going to read this as soon as I can get my paws on it!
I will be watching this documentary today. I was tipped off about this film in my Recovery Group, and watched the trailer on youtube. I am so deeply touched by the message that I just have to share. Please make this go viral! So many suffer in silence, too scared to face the stigma of addiction in our culture, because so many are so quick to judge, shame and dismiss us! FUCK THAT! Wake up people! Addicts are PEOPLE and are JUST as deserving of love and understanding as every one else!
What do I need to be happy?
The answer that bubbled up and streamed down my cheeks:
Self love and compassion. A meaningful kind relationship with my mind, my thoughts and my powerful emotions. ((( ❤ )))
This answer did not come from my conscious mind, as it was distracted with focusing on breathing during a guided meditation as part of a practice of DBT: Mindfulness Skill, Loving Kindness. This answer stirs feelings of surprise/not surprised, deeply felt gratitude, deep love and a warmth in my Sacral that I’ve never felt toward myself before. ❤ That came from me… ❤
Yesterday I had a small, yet amazing (yet uber challenging) experience, where I got to practice my DBT skills! And, I DID IT! I noticed/observed how I was feeling when I felt triggered, and rather than engage in “picking a fight” with my hubby about it, I STOPped! Took a step back, and journaled my feelings, confronting them head on. Normally I would have started a dialog with my husband from my state of being triggered, and then more than likely turned into a fight (99% of the time, this is the groove I slip into from my triggered state and an intense argument ensues, as my hubby is trying to figure out what the hell he did wrong this time, lol) causing the “I ruin everything cycle”… but I used my newly forming DBT coping skills, and did NOT engage with him till I felt peaceful! Which took a while, lol, and it was SO hard for me to keep myself from engaging in an argument with him! But I super fucking did it! YES!!! I Can make a new choice, it’s hard, but oh my god! I feel on top of the world empowered! Below is the journal entry I did to keep myself from picking a fight with my poor hubs.
Sobriety/BPD Journal Entry 2018.01.14 – DBT Skill Success!
—-This is my process, I was writing to myself—-
I validate my feelings of not wanting to get up and get my daughter dressed to go outside and play in the snow (I wanted to keep studying), and even though Tim was refusing to help her get dressed too, when what he was doing was important to him (video games), what I was doing is important to me. He made the excuse that I always tell him that when he sorts laundry he does it wrong… which yes sometimes he does get it wrong, but not very often. He is the one that kept mentioning all day that he’s surprised the kids weren’t outside playing in the snow, I understood why they didn’t want to, it’s cold, I don’t want to go outside either. Then Marlee changed her mind and wanted to go outside, so he just gives me this look, that I *interpreted* to the effect that “he expected me to do it, and he didn’t think he should have to.” (at this point I was slightly annoyed. I said something to the effect of, I didn’t want to, why can’t he help her. And we both just sat continuing to do our own thing, ignoring Marlee’s begging eyes and whimpers. Then in huffy defeat I pull my ear buds out, and stand up abruptly… obviously seriously annoyed that he wouldn’t help her. As I walk by him, he kinda mumbles something like, “make this good for her”…. which I interpreted to be like telling me to “not be mean to her”… this triggered me to go from annoyed to angry. How very condescending I felt he was being toward me. Then once I came out from getting her dressed (don’t worry I was nice to her), I said to him, “I wasn’t going to be mean to her,” and he was like, “wha-what do you mean?” and I repeated to him what I heard him say to me, and he said, “that’s not what I said, I don’t remember what I said… oh uh I said “this will be good for her” (to go outside and have some fresh air, in winter we stay pretty cooped up) … it felt like a lie (my interpretation from my triggered state), so I interpreted this as, “he didn’t want to admit what he said and meant.” I know he is scared to upset me, but the interpreted lie IS upsetting me more… And I thought we were being honest with each other… and he gets all put out if/when I lie to him. I hid smoking cigs from him for 6 months, and so I guess that whole thing was still a bit raw.
I still have a tight ball of pain in the pit of my stomach. I am feeling anger. I am wanting to feel better, but also yearn to have justice.
I feel like what I am doing is FAR more important than getting his firestick video games working, so the fact that he didn’t agree with that and get his daughter dressed to go outside, makes me feel like he isn’t taking me seriously. Which is a common theme in my relationships with men. (see where my head goes, like everyone is out to get me, lol, funny/not funny, lol). (I call this BPD Thinking)
This is a great challenge for me to use to practice my DBT skills. Already, my tenseness in the pit of my stomach is released quite a bit since I started journaling… at it’s height my trigger (on a scale of 1 to 10) was at about a 7 or 8, and is now like a 3ish… I even rub on those mad thoughts, and the slight flare up is minimalizing. This is crazy shit! DBT is working!! —–
*END OF JOURNAL ENTRY FOR 2018.01.14*
So it turns out, after I get myself calm and peaceful, we go and have a little talk, and I tell him, “I came this close to picking a fight with you”, and he was surprised, and asked why. So I told him about my perceived interpretation of what he said, to which he clarified what he actually did mean, which made perfect sense. But in my triggered state I wouldn’t have listened to him, and would have convinced myself he was lying, and meant what I thought in my triggered state. lol! We had a calm talk about what I had just avoided doing and both of us was smiling and super happy because our whole evening was a micro hair away from being totally ruined! I FUCKING DID IT!! DBT is magik!!! ❤
I’m so thankful that I finally got a smalle, yet real triggered situation that would normally have sent me off the rails to practice my new skills on! The challenges of BPD don’t seem so overwhelming now! I know I have a long way to go, but this experience was so encouraging! I can change how I respond to things, with Mindfulness, Willingness and Observing my emotional reactions to things, and NOT engaging till I get peaceful first! *happy dance* I got this ❤
Self-Care & Detoxing
A couple new drinks I have been enjoying lately, don’t worry,
it doesn’t contain any alcohol! lol! Two weeks sober!!
This first beverage is about staying hydrated, and helping my body
Detox from 15 years (off and on, mostly on) of
I take a gallon jug, fill it halfway with water
add 4 tablespoons of raw apple cider vinegar
and 4 teaspoons of baking soda
add 1/2 cup homemade Elderberry Syrup
and sometimes I add in some Aloe Juice
Cap and shake jug, fill the rest of the way with water.
Shake again, store in the fridge and drink through out
I love it! Has a slightly bubbly texture, not too sweet,
and I love the mild flavor of the ACV. It feels amazing
to be practicing this level of self-care! I’m so much
happier lately, and feel so much better about myself!
This second one is to make my morning coffee, healthier & more soulfully enjoyable. I grew a couple big Stevia plants in my garden last year, and have them dried in our shop. To use my Stevia as a natural sweetener (trying to avoid sugar), I take a 2-qt saucepan and fill 3/4 with water, then I add a big five finger pinch of dried Stevia leaf, and a bouncy ball sized chunk of wildcrafted Reishi Mushroom (sliced) and put it on high heat till it starts to boil. Once the bubbles are rolling, I turn the heat down to a simmer, put a lid on the pot and let it boil down some. Once the liquid is reduced by half, I turn it off and let cool. This makes a strong stevia/reishi tea that I use as my coffee sweetener. YUM!
Are the terms, “Empath” and “Borderline Personality Disorder” connected? Me thinks yes. lol… perhaps not for everyone, but in my case it definitely is connected and effects each other.
The more I delve into BPD and a common, yet profoundly empowering treatment for it, DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), the more I understand that I was born with an emotional hypersensitivity, couple that with my ability to also absorb the feelings/energy of others… and whoa. My emotional hypersensitivity is not a bad thing in of itself, but because I was raised in an invalidating environment (not being blameful, only stating fact of my experience, and from what I have learned according to teachings of DBT), did my hypersensitivity become dysfunctional, and become a curse, more than a blessing for me in my life…. I’m so excited to be learning these coping skills! I feel like I’m chasing a bright light down a deep rabbit hole to my destiny! ^_^
Making lemons into lemonade! BAM!